S1E20: The Anxiety and Trauma Behind IEP Meetings

Does your child's struggle with dyslexia feel overwhelming at times? Have you been advised to simply try harder or just focus more? But despite your best efforts, your child continues to experience frustration, anxiety, and self-doubt. The emotional toll of dyslexia can leave both you and your child feeling isolated and discouraged.

In this episode, you will be able to:

• Understand the emotional journey of dyslexia.
• Learn effective coping strategies for dyslexia challenges.
• Discover valuable support and resources for dyslexic individuals.
• Explore the impact of dyslexia on education.
• Embrace the importance of understanding and empathy in dyslexia.

Support and Resources for Dyslexia
Despite dyslexia being a learning style and not a measure of intelligence, the need for specialized support and resources within the education system is crucial. Unfortunately, widespread misconceptions and inadequate support in schools often make the road to obtaining help more challenging. Increased awareness, advocacy for rights, and regular engagement in debates about the education system's role could lead to better provision of resources and a more inclusive learning environment.

Transcript:

00:00:01
Welcome to word blindness. Dyslexia exposed. I am Juliet Hahn. I'm here with my co host, Brent Sopel, and we are here to change the narrative. We want to educate, but we also want you guys to understand what it is like to be dyslexic and how things can change.

00:00:20
So join us every week for word blindness. Dyslexia exposed. Welcome to word blindness. This is Juliet Hahn, here with my co host, Brent Sopel. This is this.

00:00:32
The beginning of this episode is a little raw, as you will hear. I get very emotional. We also had technical difficulties, but bear with us because five, six minutes in the technical difficulties go, and we're in it. So I cannot believe the anxiety that I had all last night and this morning and didn't realize. Now I realize, but I couldn't take a deep breath.

00:00:57
Literally all morning, I couldn't catch my fucking breath. I took the dogs for walk, couldn't catch my breath. And I was like, oh, my God, it's this fucking meeting. It's this IeP meeting. That's his last one.

00:01:08
That is probably going to go fine, but the anticipation of it was so heavy. And then we went through it totally fine. Still couldn't catch my breath. Still couldn't catch my breath. And they said it was the last one.

00:01:23
And I literally. I mean, I couldn't even speak. No parent should have to go into these fucking meetings when they're supposed to be helpful and feel what I just did for the last 24 hours. I mean, I literally could not breathe and was up, like, five times last night. Well, this is why we do what we do.

00:01:47
This is why we talk. How we talk is obviously, thank God it's over.

00:01:57
Thank fucking God. Jesus Christ.

00:02:05
We always talk about trauma. We talk about our own shit, maybe our own shit. We can make it not somebody else's shit, a billion percent. I literally, as I was walking today, I didn't get to do my yoga.

00:02:32
That kind of started where I was like, damn it, I can't do yoga this morning, okay. Because that has been something that has been really helpful for me. Even though we talk about how, oh, I've dealt with my shit, I know I'm okay. But then there's these little experiences, and at first I thought, oh, wait, I don't think I RSVP'd. Oh, my God, I don't think I did.

00:02:54
Like, I don't think I followed up. Shit, maybe this is not going to happen. And then the anxiety of, okay, it's not going to happen. I'm going to have to deal with this again. And then not being able to catch my breath was so not okay.

00:03:09
And again, I now do yoga, so I know how to breathe and I couldn't do it. I literally couldn't do it. I think now that I've been doing yoga that I'm aware, I don't think it was a really bad feeling. I was like, God, I just need to take a deep breath. And I could not get that deep breath, which then made it worse.

00:03:32
Correct. And then that shortness breath just kept into panic. And one led to two, led to three led to four.

00:03:41
Obviously, Montgomery is a senior, so you've been dealing with this for a few years. Obviously, it's been hell of a journey, but through this process, you've been able to find that way to breathe. And it's been yoga. Great. Maybe for some other people, it's taking the dog for a walk, whatever that is.

00:04:00
It's finding what works for each individual. Each person is different. I'm glad you've gotten to find that for you. Brent, what you were saying is that no parent should really go through what I just went through. And I've been doing it right for twelve years.

00:04:21
I've been doing IAP meetings. Yeah. I want you to take us back a little bit. Let's talk about your journey to get here today so that the listeners, again, just a quick 10,000 foot overview when the diagnosis to get here today, because this is part of your journey, this is part of your healing. And this is one of the biggest portions.

00:04:45
Why we do this podcast right now is what you just went through this morning. Why we spend the hours on the phone talking about this and willing to get on the phone with anybody at any time, anywhere, any country, you don't care. White, green, purple, what religion, we don't care. This is exactly why we do what we do. So just, again, a quick 10,000 foot overview of how we got here today.

00:05:13
Yeah. And I think a lot of it also is we have a mutual friend that is going through something very similar and it is bringing a lot of me going back to when Montgomery was in 2nd, 3rd grade and we were going through his, you know, if you guys have listened to the podcast, you know that I have gone through my journey, but there was many times when the kids were younger, I was like, oh, I'm good, we're good. This is, I'm, I've been successful. I have all these things. But then when you are in it and you have these experiences, right, you have the, have it brings you just back to shitty spots.

00:05:56
And so when Montgomery, we talk about when he was know, he used to do this thing where he wanted me to read all the time. We have a long history of dyslexia. I know. It really is long history of dyslexia. My dad, my sister, myself.

00:06:10
And so we knew pre k when we lived in Brooklyn. I remember a. You're saying to me, he only wants to play outside. When we say, you want to do ABCs? He's the only kid that's like, I'm not doing the ABCs.

00:06:20
I'm going to stay and dig. She's like, I think he's avoiding something. And I'm like, all right, well, we do have a lot of learning disabilities. She's like, I think you just need to stay on top of it. But I wasn't going to let that take me down.

00:06:30
I wasn't the parent that was like, oh, my gosh, we needed to do all this early intervention because this is so crazy, and I don't know why. I think some of it was like, let me just see how it plays out. We were also moving out of the city at the time, so I was like, okay, he seems like he's good at all these other things. So then going to moving to Connecticut, we realized, okay, his name is Montgomery. The handwriting portion.

00:06:54
Struggling, right? So that's when our journey really kind of started. We got the neuropsych, but it wasn't until we were pushing against the school, like, wait, you guys keep saying that he's doing okay, but he seems to be falling behind and he seems to be having struggles. Now, what we talk about, which is crazy, is he was memorizing. So even in second grade, we didn't realize how dyslexic he was because of all the books on tape and all the reading that we did, because of him being this curious kid that wanted to be read to, and any words that were on signs, billboards, anything, we had to stop and read it.

00:07:28
So he kind of built that vocabulary up on his own, which is brilliant. I mean, brilliant. I'm going to say my thing. Dyslexia is not about IQ.

00:07:41
It is a learning style. So that is, for instance, right there. So then we went through the whole journey in Connecticut, and as some of you might have heard, that took me down. I mean, my feelings were never so hurt, and I'm a pretty strong person. I don't get my feelings hurt.

00:07:55
But when it comes to my kid and they weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing, and they were acting like they were doing what they were supposed to be doing. I went through a really hard time. I had gained probably 20 pounds. I was drinking, and I haven't probably admitted this on things, I was drinking probably a bottle, half, two bottles of wine a night, eating quinoa chips, being like, okay, I'm not totally unhealthy. Great whole foods.

00:08:19
Yeah, I know. And that was it. And so it was really a really hard time. And I had support, my husband, super supportive, but didn't really understand what I was going through. I didn't really understand what I was really going through.

00:08:36
And the community around me weren't helpful. I had some really good friends, but they would just listen, but they didn't understand because they didn't do it. And then anyone that was in the community, that was. They were sending their kids to private school right away when there was a problem. And I was like, I don't want to do that.

00:08:54
I want him to get some skills here. So it was a tough, tough time. So that's when we started the whole IEP. We got the neuropsych after a year, and then we did send him to a school for dyslexia. And that was like I talk about, I could breathe for three years.

00:09:11
I could catch my breath for three years. And it was because I didn't have to worry, because I was like, they're taking care of him now. Should I probably been a little bit more involved? Yes. But was I like, oh, my God, I can breathe?

00:09:29
Yes. So did I push off some of my traumas and emotions? Yes.

00:09:37
And then we moved after that, and he was getting put back into the public school system in New York, which was different than where we were in Connecticut. They took off his label of dyslexia and just had ld. And that was another whole journey where, oh, here comes Mrs. Hahn. She's probably going to cry and then start yelling, and it's just tough.

00:10:00
And Montgomery is like, you would never know that he struggles. He's the most articulate, well spoken kid that teachers wouldn't get. They're like, what? And they would look at his iP. A lot of times they would look at the ip, what, two weeks into school?

00:10:16
And he would be under the radar because he'd be like, okay, no one's bothering me. I'm not going to bring it up. And then it would just be this shit show that would start. So I had to self advocate, but I had to remind myself, oh, my God, I'm here again. I have to go back into the school, which brought up a lot of my traumas.

00:10:33
Right? Brought up a lot of my. I need to throw up in my mouth because I have to go back into school, which I hated. And then we met, and it was kind of like, this is like you were already doing so much stuff in the dyslexic world, globally, locally. And I was trying to do my small parts where I was and just being like, okay, we're okay.

00:10:58
But then realizing we're actually not okay and something needs to be done more. So that's when we. I think I said to you, would you want to start a podcast? I interviewed you, and I was like, I can't stop thinking about what you're doing. It's actually taking over my mind.

00:11:12
And I feel like God, universe, whatever it is, is not letting this go. So I just want to throw some ideas out. And I promise you, I'm not a crazy lady that is trying. Let's take that relative. A bad crazy lady.

00:11:29
I'm a good crazy lady. And that's how we started this. No, my journey, obviously, I didn't find out until I was 32, when I got my daughter tested. Never heard the word of dyslexia before in my life.

00:11:53
Late in life, my journey, a lot later, obviously, than yours. Because your family had it. Your mom was a teacher. You got diagnosed at a young age. So dyslexia, it was a common theme in your house.

00:12:08
You guys knew a lot about it. You guys were good with it. I never heard of it. I was reading it at a grade four level in high school.

00:12:21
Nobody said anything. I'm the dumb canadian hockey player. Just pass him along because he's going to go play hockey. Thank fucking God I did, because I would have been dead years ago. I would have killed myself by, tell you, 1 million% either drugs or alcohol or just suicide.

00:12:39
Not without a doubt in my mind, obviously, you got sobered. Sober seven years. That's when the foundation start. But I could truly, honestly say, since connecting with you over a year ago, that's when my healing began.

00:13:01
You're probably one of the biggest pieces to my healing than anybody in my life. Because I'm a complete whack job. Absolutely. But you made it okay. You made me okay in our conversations, like, oh, that's okay.

00:13:22
I can do that. I'm not weird. I am different. I am processing things differently, but you've made it okay for me. And that call saying, hey, would you want to do a podcast?

00:13:38
First thing I thought, fuck no. In my head, because podcast to me, school tests. Last time I had to go to the DMV and write a fucking written test that broke out in hives. Any thought of fear of the clipboard that I talk about, and you're walking to a doctor's office. That is so much trauma that I'm still nowhere near of processing all the way through it.

00:14:10
Tell me how you want to play board game. You know what my reaction is going to be? Absolutely not. Because my anxiety. No.

00:14:19
I'm going to be made fun of. I'm going to get laughed at, even if that's not the case. That's the way I felt. That's the way I feel. And I feel dumb every single day because of my past.

00:14:33
So not only are we talking to listeners, we're talking to each other. We're talking to ourselves through this whole process. And Hahnny going through what she's going through with Paige, this is a massive healing journey. That healing never ends. When I work with a lot of kids younger, I just want to do this.

00:15:02
One, two, three. It's not working. That's not how this works. We're going to forever go through process of journeys and healing and trauma. And if anybody thinks that not everybody's got something, I'm on the 14th floor, please walk out, because that's not the case.

00:15:27
It doesn't matter. Obviously, dyslexic, ADHD, autism, whatever. Everybody has something. I've had something, some kind of trauma, and it's always the most fearful, hardest trauma because it's theirs. What we talk about here is something that nobody acknowledges, nobody understands.

00:15:55
I should say that a small community of us do understand, and that's why we talk about things the way we do. Why we do, why I started the foundation, why my purpose has never been hockey. I've told you. I told people. I sold my Stanley cup ring.

00:16:21
I got it back. But I could throw this off the 14th floor right now and smash it. I don't care. I care that you're okay. I care.

00:16:31
That never is another person that goes through what you went through today or how a kid feels and never want them to feel way I do every single day. That's what I care about.

00:16:46
And talking about when we did connect and hearing you say that, obviously, it just makes me so happy. But to have it for that long, to be misunderstood, but also me knowing that, okay, I've gone through what I've gone through, and knowing, like, okay, this is what I know. I'm having anxiety before I have an IEP meeting. But you've really helped me put words to it and be able to talk about it and discuss it. Because even though internally I knew, okay, I'm having anxiety because the IEP meeting, my husband would always know.

00:17:20
I would say to him, and everything's going to be okay. And that's very nice that he says that, but I know he doesn't truly understand, and that's not his fault. It's because he didn't go through the same stuff. I can't say that I understand some of his traumas. I can be there for him.

00:17:36
But it's very different when someone truly understands what you're going through and they almost feel your trauma with you. And you've done that for me. That I think, again, I know we talk about it, right? The innate confidence, all these different things. But there's times where literally I could not take a deep breath.

00:17:59
I mean, you saw me take a deep breath when we were having the technical difficulties, I was able to finally take a deep breath.

00:18:08
And they call it a CSE here in New York. It was really good. They talked about what a fantastic kid he is and that they're so excited for his next journey because they know he's going to be successful because of what they've seen and how he's overcome things and all of this really wonderful things. And a lot of times that is what it is now in the older grades, but in the younger grades, it's all about the weaknesses. It's all about how can they strengthen these things, how much your kid sucks at X, Y and Z.

00:18:36
And they never talk about the good stuff. And every time, and when we talk about it, I would get. My husband would always. And sometimes in the beginning, he wasn't even a part of the IEP meetings because he was in the city. And I'd be like, no, it's fine.

00:18:50
And then realizing, you know what? No, I actually need you there. I am a fucking mess. Like, I am a mess. And I need you there just for another person.

00:19:01
Because I get so emotional the second they start talking, I would well up and I would just almost cry to the point where you couldn't understand me. And as teachers, looking at you as a parent, being like, okay, what's going on here? She's an emotional one. And then you're like the unstable one, right? And then it's frustrating because it's almost like it's the traumas, but then it's the anger.

00:19:23
I'm someone that, when I get really angry, I cry.

00:19:30
You can't control those emotions, right? They talk about kids. And this is the hard part is that obviously when we talk, we understand each other, right? We've been through the traumas, but we understand, we process things differently. We laugh at each other, are stupid because we're laughing at ourselves.

00:19:52
But when you walk into most IEP meetings and your kid is dyslexic or my process and people I've talked to, there's never been a teacher, superintendent, dean, principal, whatever you want. Not one of those person have ever been dysgraphic or dyslexic. So they don't fucking know. Like, I literally want to jump across table and slam each one of their heads in there because you're trying to tell me how to feel, how I need to do this, how I need to do that, how I need to do this. This is this when you got no fucking idea.

00:20:51
None whatsoever. So the whole IEP, special education, 99% of those people don't have it. So, oh, we were taught in university or college that you should do this and this. Go suck my fucking big left toe. You got no fucking idea.

00:21:14
I didn't know that. I thought you were going to say something. And I was like, oh, wow.

00:21:22
I was like, wow, he's really going to say that. I wanted to.

00:21:31
But the hardest part is that is like your anger, your frustration, knowing that they're there to do their job. And they may have the most best intentions with each one of our kids, but they don't have a fucking clue what our life is. I listened to a podcast last night. It was about hockey, and they've been around for four or five years, I think it is. And one of the hosts talked to their sister, and their sister's in special education, she's got like 75 degrees.

00:22:16
And it was an hour and a half podcast and talking about social emotional learning and all these things and trying to relate it back to hockey. And after an hour and a half, I'm like, that was fucking awful.

00:22:37
Not once did you talk about what that means. Not once did you talk about learning disorders, how a dyslexic kid learns? Do they know their left? Do they know the emotional side? How do you talk and teach a kid with ADHd?

00:22:57
How does a coach handle them? None of that. I'm like, and with the statistics, obviously, dyslexia being one in five, ADHD being the same thing. You're talking in 20 people in a classroom to a hockey team, you're talking a quarter of them. Five out of the 20 have a learning disorder.

00:23:18
And nobody talks about it. And you know what? The thing that's crazy is that what we learned from someone that's in doctor of psychology was saying that the. And I think it was him, right. That classroom teachers know the least amount of special ed versus no special ed.

00:23:39
Teachers know the least amount of dyslexia. Classroom teachers and reading specialists know more. Are. And that's not the teacher's fault. And I will say that this is not the teacher's fault.

00:23:50
And so they're doing the best that they can. But if they have no understanding, as we said, and I talk about this is my mom used to say to me all the time, I was just on a podcast. And one of the quotes the person sent back to me was, what my mom used to say is, a lot of classroom teachers go into teaching because they were good in school, and so they don't understand when someone is not good in school and when they're going through, like, special ed. Teacher is going through special ed. There's, like, I think two people told me that there was, like, a paragraph on dyslexia and dysgraphia, and then that's it.

00:24:25
And that's where the system is broken. And that's one of the things that why we're here to educate, but not only to educate. We want to make big change because it has to. After Covid, my daughter the other day said, mom, I just read something they were talking about that kids my age are so far behind than kids, like, five years ago, ten years ago. She's like, do you think that's true?

00:24:48
And I was like, yeah, I do. And I think the kids that struggle are the ones that are even further behind, and which just sets them up for failure. And it makes me so angry because it's like, we need to make a change. Well, let me branch off that again. This is me.

00:25:07
No statistics that I think the world's obviously in a worse place today than it was before. COVID And I think that the parents are in the worst position they've ever been, which is falling back onto the kids 100% with what went Covid, what's going on in the world? Inflation. All these things that are being absorbed by adults, and they don't know what to do, and they're deflecting. They're trying to live, trying to get through the day.

00:25:49
And kids are so smart. So fucking smart. Pissed me off. Smarter than. Way too smart for their own good and way too smart for your own fucking age.

00:26:02
I look at it as, like, this glass you're filling up water, and the faucet is still running, so it's keep flowing down. And under this glass are the kids.

00:26:13
So they're taking on the parents trauma. Then they can't take care. So now it's one big shit show. And yes, we want to make massive changes. We want to rattle the world.

00:26:29
We want to save the world. That's who we are. And I'm up for that journey. But I don't care. Who needs help?

00:26:40
There isn't really much, as you learned in my life, that I haven't gone through.

00:26:47
Not too much. You've lived a life or two or three or four or 70, but anybody who needs help, I will always try and help them. Always. I don't care who you are or what it is. And that's, again, why we are here today.

00:27:09
And do we want to make massive changes. And we have big plans, 100%. And I look forward to where that journey is. But I'm going to say thank you to you to help me be here today and being the best place I've ever been to be able to help as many people as I help. But you've done the work.

00:27:38
Now I'm going to go unicorny. God, whatever you are. Unicorny and corny. Yeah, totally. But it was one of those things that was so random, how we connected, but then how we really connected, and then that we understood each other so much that we know that we can help others and then bring others into our kind of umbrella that also are like, oh, wait, you guys kind of feel the same way.

00:28:11
I mean, every time we talk to a guest on the just. We just had Brad on yesterday, and I just had this silly grin on my face. And I had to always have to clarify because I'm like, if someone's watching back, he's talking about some vulnerable stuff, and this one's got, like, a silly grin on her face. But that's what you were open at the time to be like, okay, yes, let's do this. I know that I have a bigger purpose, and that's where I always say to people, when people are closed off, they don't know where their past can go if you're closed off.

00:28:42
And that's what I think. So many people right now, they're not looking or staying curious or staying open. You, as you said, were like, no, but then what made you decide, like, okay, was it because I was like, well, just think about it. And then I text you again, did you think about it? I think we're still on the phone and you text me.

00:29:02
Did you think about it? I don't think we even got off the phone yet. And I think you might have been like, I don't know that this lady is going to leave me alone. Maybe I really need to think. I don't have a choice here.

00:29:10
This might be. No, obviously you're great, amazing at what you do in the podcast. This is your world. You understood that. So knowing that, obviously I said yes, that's why we're here.

00:29:30
But you made it easy. You reassured me that I didn't have to almost go back to school, if that makes sense, because that's where I said to you, yeah, I told you, I'll tell you exactly what to do. All you have to do is show up at the time. Yeah, that's all you need to do. And those words saved me because I'm looking at my desk, I'm like, oh, my God, what do you do?

00:29:59
I got to write. I got to do this. So my anxiety was off the charts. So I'll tell you when to show up. And that took all the pressure off me, knowing that I didn't have to dive into going back to school, per se.

00:30:19
And then that's when things just started to open up. Yeah. And you know what is cool? But again, it was one of those things that, again, our meeting was random, right? But it had to do with the podcasting world.

00:30:33
And podcasting, as you said, I dove into that in 2019 because I was in a place in my life. My kids were older, we had just moved. I was like, oh, my God, I don't want to play tennis and drink wine. Like, done with the wine. I need to say goodbye to the wine or this is not going to be good.

00:30:50
And I was curious. I was like, okay, let's see. I'm just going to start this. And then that's things that we talk about where I had that confidence because it was like, well, let me just see. I don't care.

00:31:03
I know half no one really where I moved. And if people hear me and I can inspire someone, what's great? And it was really the spot that I was in my life as a mom who chose to stay home with the kids, but the kids were now older and really didn't need me. And I was like, I don't like this feeling. I don't like, oh, yeah, really hurt.

00:31:22
And it was weird. It was really weird. But I did a lot of self kind of exploring, not realizing I was doing self exploring. So it was just this really awesome kind of thing. And podcasting kept coming to me.

00:31:35
I was daydreaming, walking the dogs, right? And it kept coming to me, and I was like, I just need to try this. And then again, that's what I was saying. You left yourself open, even though you were like, no, I'm closed off. I'm not trying anything.

00:31:47
But it was like, our paths were supposed to connect at the time that they were supposed to connect. Correct. And that's what so many people don't allow themselves to see. They don't say yes to opportunities because of fear or, I don't know, I don't want to put myself out there. And so God universe was also talking to you, like, you know what?

00:32:06
She needs you. You need her. The world needs both of you to be out there. And when we started this, I mean, every day we would send each other, like, a text, being like, oh, my God, I just got a text from this person asking, now, you were already in that world, which is great, because that's the thing. You have been doing that for years because of the foundation and talking to people and helping people through that.

00:32:26
I had done it in little pockets, but when we moved out to Connecticut and to New York, I really didn't have people that knew that we were going through the stuff of the IEP and the schools until later, until we got friends. So I didn't have people to kind of connect with and talk about it. So all of a sudden, it was people reaching out again, being like, thank you for sharing that. Wait, I remember we were in whatever class resource room together, but I didn't realize you were dyslexic, too. Thank you for sharing that.

00:32:58
And then it's been wild, and I think we use that word, like, a thousand times, but it has been wild in this short time, the progress that we made and the amount of people that we have connected with, because we were supposed to be doing this together. And you said, I was able to put words to your feelings. And obviously, that works both ways, because everybody, like I said, I was weird. I was crazy. I was out of my mind.

00:33:34
Obviously. I left hockey. I played pro hockey for 18 years, not one friend. But even then, when we started this, you thought I was Mr. Negative.

00:33:45
And I bring that up, is just because my journey, I've always looked at things in such a different way. And it took you and Hahnny. It took your dad. I think we talked about this last night, to say what he said to you, to look at a different way. And again, I'm almost 47.

00:34:13
My body's almost 67, my brain is almost 77. But it's taken that long for one person, just one, to understand me. I've been misunderstood my whole life and it only takes one person to change things. But as I said to you, you've helped me through a journey that I didn't realize that I needed and healing more than know. Again.

00:34:43
Yes, I was healed in so many different. I mean, look at I in any of the IEP meetings, I always had had different experiences. I don't remember not being able to breathe and I'm sure it was, but I just wasn't as aware of it. But now I have such a freaking headache. I don't get headaches, but I know it's all because of just going up into that.

00:35:07
And one of the things that they said in this meeting, which is I'm going to flip this and you're going to be like, wow, I love how you connected this, but we talk about strengths and weaknesses all the time, right? And one of the things, one of the teachers was talking about some grant that I guess the school you can get for money for college. And they mentioned it because there's like 1000 emails and I'm sure I miss some of them. With three kids and dyslexia and the one that was staying home but now having a pretty full plate, there's times where I'm like, oh, okay, I missed that. All right, sorry, guys.

00:35:47
But they have to take responsibility too. Like, if there are things mentioned in school now, they're old enough that they need to be like, okay, this is important. Mom, did you get this? But so there's a grant and they're coming in next week and she said there's an interview process. Now I have to look up this grant because they acted like it was something that we should know about.

00:36:05
I was like, can you maybe spell that? Yeah, exactly. I did. I'm sorry. I wrote it down so I will look it up later.

00:36:12
But they're like, yeah, they come to the school and they interview the kids that apply. For know, Monty should definitely apply. Cause since he's gotten into some schools and I stopped and I said, dude, I go, you shine in like, this is going to be so great for you. You're going to go and get to interview for something. And he just started laughing and all of them were like, oh my gosh, he has a very good chance because his personality is something that has gotten him through so far now.

00:36:40
His personality has also got him out of a lot of things and he has learned so much about himself, however, which is interesting. My husband nor Montgomery probably realized how much anxiety I was having going into this. And again, I'm always like, no, I'm okay. And then morning comes, and then I realize, and I'm like, damn it, it's crept back up on me. Montgomery would literally be like, mom, you were crying.

00:37:07
What is wrong with you? Now? When he gets older, it'll be interesting to see if there's ever an understanding. Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, and who knows?

00:37:19
If you self reflect on that, well, you do a great job hiding it, obviously. You do a very good. You very. You don't penetrate, internalize, know, to keep it away, to protect your family and protect your husband that's at work and to protect Montgomery. So you do a very good job of, don't.

00:37:47
You can see anything on my face. There's no hiding shit. I'm not good at that. So he probably will never fully understand it because you did a great job disguising it, hiding it. But will he look back and look at his place?

00:38:10
Absolutely.

00:38:13
And look back of all the things that you did for him? Yeah, 100%. That's part of a dyslexic journey, is when you go through this, is to look back. But obviously, the great mom you are and wife you are, you're able to kind of hide that good and bad again, your husband's not dyslexic, so you don't tell him. He's not going to understand it.

00:38:44
But I have to say one thing that's really funny is when you say, I'm good at hiding it, everyone, that I wear my emotions on my sleeve so they don't know the depths of it. But Hahn knows. He even said last week, he's like, you have the meeting thing. And I was like, yeah. And then, like, three days later, he's like, okay, so when you get a little stressed, this is what, like, because we were trying to figure out what we were doing on the weekend, and I was like, I'm not stressed.

00:39:11
And he's like, okay, so I hide it, but I don't hide it, if that makes sense. Probably from the kids more. Yeah, the kids more like Montgomery, probably, because I'm going to ask him. I'm going to say hey, because now he's older and that's your last one. I totally got choked up.

00:39:29
And he might be like, yeah, I knew you were going to. But he's also seen me get really upset. Like when he got injured and we were going through the soccer thing and I remember we were in the car, and it was after a game or something, and we went and started talking about college.

00:39:52
And I'm not like a quiet, pretty crier. Hang on a second. There's no such thing.

00:40:02
I think some people can do it. I am not. I'm like, I'm allowed. Not like a good crier. But I was driving, and I was like, oh, my God, I don't want him to know.

00:40:11
And so the tears were just flowing down my face. And he looked at me and he goes, are you crying? And I was like. And he goes, wait, you don't get to cry. And I was like, wait, what?

00:40:22
And he goes, you don't get to cry. This is my story. Why are you crying? Because, mom, this is why I don't like to tell you things, because then you get emotional. And it was really because he was like, I'm not going to go to college if I'm not playing soccer.

00:40:34
And that's what we thought his path was going to be. He was going to get into school because of his athletic ability, because he's so strong at soccer, and then fracturing both sides of your pelvis and literally your world getting churned upside down. And he did such a beautiful way of the journey. However, there's many times I know he is stuffed a lot. And there would be times where I would say, you're stuffing.

00:41:00
I know you're stuffing. And no teenage boy wants to hear their mom being like, let's talk about this. Because then he knows I would get emotional. So that was one of the times where I was trying not to, because I was like, I just want him to open up and talk because I know he's really struggling right now, but I could not keep it in. So I totally hear you and agree with you.

00:41:19
But then it is also like when you have that personality of an empath, right? Which we both are empaths. I cannot be that stoned person, even though at times I can, but I don't think anyone really, truly knows how much. Neither of them will ever know how much. The fact that I could not breathe for hours to go into this, even if I said it, they would be like, okay, yeah.

00:41:45
What are you talking about? Why? Not a big deal. It was good. Yeah, it was the last one.

00:41:49
Who cares? Correct. And to have that last one, them say that, holy fuck.

00:41:59
And you said at the beginning, obviously, it's coming on the heels of what we have going on with Hahnny and your great friend boss, what they're going through in their journey. So it's been crazy how everything is just kind of connected. Like it's you and it's mercury over there and thingy and the Venus and whatever the hell's going on that you tell me every day. Yeah, but you're believing a little bit of it. I don't know what I'm believing anymore.

00:42:45
It's just all I know is it's crazy how easily things have now meshed together. My whole life has been nothing coming easy.

00:43:03
Nothing. And again, let me get around. It's at the rank where I'm working. Some of the worst experiences of my life right now, too. So it's not everything, but it's just how it's all flowing together, how it's all connecting.

00:43:23
Hahnny going through what she's doing after we're coming, it's been pretty amazing, spectacular, crazy. All adjectives. I think that's right. Is that adjectives? I don't know, because last time, the last episode, I said something wrong, and I was like, oh, my God.

00:43:43
I can't believe I just called an adjective, an adverb, descriptive word. Canada. A. I don't know, but it's all come together in such a crazy way. And that's why I kept saying to you, it's so wild.

00:43:59
But I want to take it back to the time where I said to you, and I think it was early on when we met, and I said, have you ever had the time where things flow? And you went, no, I remember that. Yeah. Because then I just brought it up recently, and I said, what do you mean? I go, what do you mean?

00:44:17
Like, you've had to have times where things are just because. And that's life, right? There's the ups and downs and flow. But you said, and it was really interesting to me because I was like, now, even in hockey, I think I said to you, and then if you think of a professional athlete, you talk to most professional athletes. You don't know if you're going to be hurt.

00:44:37
Someone's going to take your position. You have to have such a mindset that it's not flowing. Yes, it might seem like it's flowing, but there's always, like, that voice on your shoulder, like, don't let that down, or someone's going to be getting your position, and then you're out, and now you have to go into real life. So you're like, no, that was not when things flowed at all. You also didn't know about dyslexia and all these different things.

00:44:57
But I think I said to you, some days just flow and some days just don't. And you were like, no, none of my days flow. What are you talking about? And I was like, I think, truthfully, I was like, I think he needs to dive into that a little bit because I'm sure there's been times. And then every day that we have connected, I'm like, wow, you really do have, like, shit storms that happen all the time and you handle them really well.

00:45:22
But as you said, you have been able to do that because of your past and because of your journey. But the other day when I was like, okay, are things, I know it's like literally split. Like if you split your body down half, you have one side flowing and the other side not. And being an entrepreneur, being in the world, living life, you're going to have those ups and downs. Correct.

00:45:47
Really starting. And as you know, like starting the foundation and stuff. What I always say, and this is why I had asked you, is when things flow and when I started my business in the podcast, I would have moments where it would just flow. And I was like, this is incredible. Oh, my God, this is incredible.

00:46:01
I love this feeling and the highs and lows, right. That we even talked with Brad, this is incredible. And then all of a sudden, you would have, like, a day that you're like, oh, my God, I'm on top of the world. And then it was like, oh, my God, I'm on the bottom of the world. This is terrible.

00:46:13
And I'm really not talking about personal stuff. I'm talking kind of business stuff right now. But it was so interesting. And I remember interviewing an entrepreneur that was very successful, had four kids. And I said to her, I said, what do you do in those moments of the highs?

00:46:28
Because I love those highs, but I hate those lows. And I know most people do. And she said, I've taught myself not to stay in the highs too long and not to stay in the lows too long. And I said, oh, that's so interesting. I'm all or nothing.

00:46:41
I don't know that I could do that. But that's like an interesting thought. She said, no, I would celebrate in my head. And then I'd be like, I have to move on because who knows what tomorrow is going to bring? So she didn't allow herself to have the wild emotions, which takes, and I've gotten definitely better at that.

00:47:00
She's not dyslexic. Okay, there you go. Yeah. No, she's not dyslexic. Right.

00:47:05
But it was very interesting. And so when I said to you when literally the last six months, but really even the last, like, four weeks, have just been this very interesting flow. Now, yesterday we had, like, a bit of a weird day, but that's going to happen. But we had a flow. And that's when I truly believe you're on the path of whether it's God or the universe, whatever you believe, when those things happen is when you're kind of following what you're meant to be doing.

00:47:36
And it's wild. And I know I keep saying that, but it is crazy listening to you say that. And when you first asked me that question, is there ever time to flow? I said no, because I didn't really understand what that meant.

00:48:06
Nothing's ever flown in my life because I've been misunderstood every day. So there wasn't a day where I woke up where I could say, somebody understands me. Not one day. So going in the rank coaching way, doing people like, what are you doing? You got no idea what you're talking.

00:48:28
I get told every day how dumb of a coach I am. I got no idea. Okay, you're right. I only did it for 40 some years, and it's not that I did it that long. It's being dyslexic.

00:48:40
So I understand what that flow means now. But you've allowed me to understand that because you've heard and understood me, and that might sound very weird. I didn't know what those words were because I literally felt alone. So I'm able to see things very differently. You've allowed me to do that.

00:49:06
And it's crazy walking into the rink.

00:49:15
It's the worst place ever. Most of the parents, they're the worst human beings ever. But then everything on the other side of it for the first time is connecting in ways. And as we talk about all the time, places you're supposed to be and not supposed to be, and rink is not where I'm supposed to be. Right, but that's what I think also.

00:49:41
People need to stop and reflect on themselves, and that's that self reflection that's so important. And you talk about that, too. I mean, you've done a lot of work since you've been sober and have had to self reflect. Right? You can't numb it and stuff it.

00:49:53
You are like, all right, I got nothing new. I got to fucking right now, right? And there's days, right, that are hard that you're like, oh, I just don't want to think anymore. The fact that it has shown you, because I remember saying, to you also about the rink. I was like, is that what you want to do for the rest of your life?

00:50:14
And you were like, no. And I was like, okay, well, so you know that. So, no, you put the work in that you need to do, but know that your end goal is. And this is what we talk about on the podcast, right? I mean, if you have these dreams and you have these things that you can do, don't shut yourself off because of your traumas, don't shut yourself off and allow things to kind of flow because you are worth it.

00:50:39
And your story is going to change someone else's life. And you know that more than anyone. I mean, that's why you've been talking in this space now for as many years. And I've just kind of been brought in to kind of, hey, let's brainstorm and understand each other. And that's what I do best.

00:50:59
But that's also what I love. That's what I 100% have learned throughout my life, that connecting and being like, okay, we have a mission, but because of the mission that we have and the views that we have are so on point and so aligned with each other is crazy. And then there's times where we maybe don't 100% agree each other and then talk it out and it's like, oh, we kind of came up with this mesh and it's like, even better situation. And I think it's just that understanding. Obviously, I watch the same tv show every night, all day, same song.

00:51:36
Obviously I could eat same meal every single day. There's not a lot of verity, but we're able to understand, obviously relate. Relatability is a big thing in my world, to build. All right. We don't see eye to eye on that.

00:51:55
Hey, that's great. That's life. It's never going to work that way. How can we mesh that together? Totally?

00:52:02
I think we're able to do that together when we're talking about these things because we're understanding the angles that we're coming at. And we also know where each other's hearts are and what our intentions are. I don't even like that word, but like, what our goals are. Intentions. It's an interesting word.

00:52:27
Because most people's intentions aren't in the right place. Because they're not in the right place. Right. And there's a reason when you talk about this time, holiday season, they talk about donations and giving. Tuesday was a couple of weeks ago and everybody who donated to the foundation greatly, greatly, greatly appreciate that.

00:52:52
And you're going to help change a life. You may even have saved somebody's life.

00:52:59
And when I say that word right there, say those words. What are you talking about? Just because you can't read, it's no big deal. You're not saving anybody's life. Nobody's dying over this.

00:53:11
That's so far from. You don't get the calls. When you had a twelve year old, a 13 year old trying to commit suicide or commit suicide because they're dyslexic and you do, and being different and getting those calls of what's wrong with me now I can say nothing because you're heard, you're understood, you're loved. And the connections that we get when we have our podcast and when we have our guests on and we have our panel together, it's like nothing I've ever had before in my life, which is pretty cool to say almost 47 years in my life, and think about the next half of your life. That's what I would say the next half of my life.

00:54:05
I've done some fun, great things, but the next half of my life, just watch out because I'm lighting stuff on fire in the best way. 50 more years in my life. No way, no way, no way. We got to talk about that. Oh, come on.

00:54:20
You can do it. Oh, my God, the pain. My body. I know your body. And that's being a professional athlete.

00:54:28
That's what the service that you put in is. Like that. Screw, screw. I get it screwed back in. Yeah, you got to get that screwed back in.

00:54:39
Well, I'm going to leave it at that because that was beautiful. And again, I can't think of anyone else that I would want to be on this journey and doing this with. And I'm so thankful for our friendship and that we connected because of Stuart, which is just hilarious.

00:54:59
Yeah, it is what it is. But you guys, thank you for listening. And again, rate review share. You don't know who you can help. As Brent said, it really is important because you could help someone with our stories.

00:55:14
You could help someone that maybe is going into an, you know, a CSE, whatever you call it, that's like, oh, wait, okay, she gets it because she just went through this. He gets it because he's been through it. And it's the relatability and the understanding is what can save a life. So thank you again for joining. Word blindness.

00:55:31
Dyslexia exposed.